Find True Happiness: Interview for Oprah.com

On Friday this week I will wrap up another Be Happy 8-week happiness course, held in London, UK. The end of the program always feels bittersweet to me. I am already grieving and I am so grateful for the journey we have been on. And it’s not over yet!

For the last eight weeks a group of fifty people have participated in a deep inquiry into life’s #1 goal: happiness. The theme for this year has been, giving up the search for happiness. In particular, we have explored the difference between “searching for happiness” and “following your joy.” The “searching” paradigm takes you outside of yourself and focuses forever on the future; the “following” paradigm helps you to meet yourself and to live more fully in the present tense.

Over eight weeks we have worked our way through a series of workshops, home study modules, daily e-mails, and have also participated on an online discussion board. We have explored the #1 Happiness Principle, The Self-Acceptance Formula, Healing Unhappiness, The Happiness Scale, 100 Gratitudes, the Receiving Meditation, the Forgiveness Principle, our Family Story about happiness, and much more. It has been a rich inquiry, and I am grateful to everyone who has participated.

Stephanie Mitchell for Oprah.com interviewed me recently about the Be Happy 8-week program. Her article is entitled Find True Happiness. In the interview Stephanie outlines ten ways to be a finder, not a searcher. She captures the spirit of my work very well.

The next Be Happy 8-week course will be held in London, in October-November 2010. You can book your place now.

In Search of Optimism by Ben Renshaw, 2nd November, 2009

The Happiness Project receives countless invitations from the press to contribute to features on happiness, relationships and success. However, the call we got from Helen at the Evening Standard was a particularly challenging request: coach a cynical journalist to become optimistic in 7 days. Enjoying a challenge I agreed to meet and get to work. Our first conversation was held at Helen’s impressive home in the heart of Notting Hill. It was a good reminder that material possessions don’t necessarily translate to a sunny disposition. We sat down to a delicious dinner and were joined by her teenage son who was on the verge of going back to boarding school following the summer holidays.

The initial conversation revolved around her son and the difficulties of succeeding in an academic environment when your natural strengths lie in having a more creative and intuitive outlook. In particular we focused on the potential impact of needing to achieve a grade in one subject that could determine future university possibilities. He was initially putting most of his eggs in one basket and was experiencing anxiety about not getting the required grade. We explored how different mindsets could affect his behaviour, and eventually he was able to recognise that by taking a broader approach and keeping his options open it would enable him to perform better. I shared with him the idea that, ‘Optimism is not positive thinking, it is the willingness to explore new ways of looking at things to arrive at a creative solution.’

He then headed off to complete his homework and our conversation then touched on a variety of daily challenges for Helen including how to complete deadlines for work, manage difficult relationships with editors, have the courage to only take on work that truly inspires and handle the feelings of having both her sons return back to boarding school. Helen described herself as a pessimist and initially rallied against the idea of applying optimism to these difficulties. Upon further exploration we got down to the heart of the resistance, which was a misunderstanding about what is optimism.


It is very common for people to think that optimism is simply ‘positive thinking’. However, as Tal Ben-Shar a professor who teaches the very popular positive psychology course at Harvard University says, “Optimalists are not those who believe everything happens for the best, but those who make the best of everything that happens.”

I set Helen some simple tasks to complete the following week:

1. Each day ask the question, ‘What is success today?’ This is the question at the heart of our sister project, Success Intelligence and lends itself to the profound inquiry of defining success in your life, work and relationships.

2. Keep a ‘gratitude diary’. This exercise is at the centre of the Happiness Project and encourages us to start truly appreciating the gift of being alive.

3. Commit to self-acceptance. This exercise can be the most challenging. The majority of us are experts at putting ourselves down and judging ourselves harshly. Self-acceptance is the art of extending compassion and non-judgment to ourselves so that we are able to manage situations in a more constructive way.

4. Observe your thoughts. We use an analogy at the Happiness Project that thoughts are like buses. Just because a bus passes by it doesn’t mean you have to get on it. Psychologists estimate that we think approx. 40,000 thoughts a day. Just because we are having a thought doesn’t mean we have to act on it, or believe it.

I must say I was surprised when Helen’s article hit the press to discover that there appeared to be a profound shift in her outlook. As she put it, “Perhaps the greatest insight I gained was that thoughts, no matter how terrifying, are just thoughts.”

To read the article in full visit
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/lifestyle/article-23746824-the-new-optimism-how-you-can-be-happy.do

Ending the Search for Happiness

Today is the start of a new eight-week happiness course, called Be Happy. Over the next two months, a group of approximately fifty people will gather in Central London to participate in a journey that will explore one of life’s most cherished and elusive goals - happiness. This year, one of the major themes we will investigate is, giving up the search for happiness.

I wonder, has it ever occurred to you that the search for happiness can be a major block to happiness? In the beginning, the search for happiness seems honest enough. However, I would ask you, how long do you really need to search for? One week? One month? One more year? One more workshop? My first spiritual mentor, an Indian yogi and philosopher, insisted that the search for happiness can be over in the blink of an eye, if, that is, you accept you are what we seek.

How exactly might the search for happiness be a block to happiness? Here are five insights for you to consider.

1. Outside You: The search for happiness arises from the erroneous belief that happiness is outside you. This displacement takes happiness away from its proper place, just as the search for happiness also takes you away from yourself. Happiness is not outside you. Until you accept that happiness is your true nature you will keep searching for happiness in all the wrong places.

2. Not Here: The search for happiness conditions you to think that happiness is somewhere else other than where you are right now. Mistakenly, you believe that happiness is a destination, and a place to get to. This causes you to race through your life so as to get to happiness. In an effort to get to some sacred place you overlook the beautiful ordinary, and you fail to see what is here already. Your searching is a form of blindness.

3. Not Now: The search for happiness implies that happiness is in the future, and not now. Mistakenly, you put all of your efforts into a happy future that is apparently on its way. Meanwhile, you live in the not-now. You use all of your “nows” as stepping stones to get you to the next moment, and the next. You have no time to be happy, right now. You hope to be happy soon, but your future ends up being the same as what you are doing now.

4. To Objectify: If you believe that happiness is outside of you, you can’t help but objectify happiness. This means you end up defining happiness as an “it” or a “thing” that exists in other places and in other people. This objectification encourages you to go shopping for happiness. Instead of being happy, you try to have happiness by attracting it, catching it, buying it, and keeping it. True happiness is not another coffee machine!

5. To Find: The search for happiness can be never-ending because searching is not the same as finding. At some point on your life-journey, you have to be willing to stop being a searcher, and be a finder. For example, instead of searching for love, find out how loving you can be. And, instead of searching for your purpose, choose one. And, instead of seeking after happiness, find within yourself a willingness and openness to be happy now, and to share your happiness with the world.

Ironically, it’s only when you give up the search for happiness that you actually find happiness. So, just for today, try this simple experiment. Make it your intention to find happiness today. Stop and recognize your true nature. Appreciate where you are right here. Enjoy this moment right now. Choose to be instead of to have. And be willing to see that happiness cannot be found in the world until you are willing to share it first.

Oprah.com: 10 Keys to Finding Happiness

Today is the official UK launch date of Be Happy. It’s published by Hay House UK, and Jo Burgess in publicity is keeping me very busy doing articles and interviews for radio, press, TV, and online. As a result we are busy updating the Media Appearances section at www.robertholden.org and www.behappy.net. Do check it out.

Today, Oprah.Com has published an article of mine called 10 Ways to Finding Happiness. If you want to read more, click here. To wet your appetite here are my first three suggestions:

Define Happiness

What is your definition of a happy life? Are you living it? Think carefully on this because your definition of happiness will influence every other significant decision in your life. For example, if you think happiness is outside you, you will make happiness into a search, a catch, or a reward that you must earn. If, however, you know happiness is inside you then happiness becomes a compass, a teacher, and an enabler that helps you to live your best life.

Accept Yourself

Without self-acceptance, you will limit and block how much happiness, prosperity, love, and success you will enjoy. The miracle of self-acceptance is that if you are willing to accept happiness already exists in you, you will begin to experience more happiness around you. The law of acceptance is what activates the law of attraction. Being willing to accept yourself is the first step to bringing out the best in yourself.

Follow Your Joy

There is a world of difference between searching for happiness and following your joy. Following your joy is about listening to your heart’s desires, noticing what truly inspires you, and recognizing your soul’s purpose. A good starting point is to reflect on the question “When am I at my happiest?” People who follow their joy discover a depth of talent and creativity that inspires us all.

Real Happiness: What is the Real More you Want?

Anna Pasternak (pictured left), author and journalist, attended the recent Real More workshop held over two days in central London. She has written a personal account of her experience that was published in the Daily Mail on August 24th. Her article is entitled “More Please: More money, more security, more certainty... would it really make us any happier?” Anna’s trademark style is hugely personal, insightful, and witty. Whatever she writes about she always gets to the heart of the matter. Her article is a great read.

Have you heard of the term “static happiness?” Ever since happiness researchers have measured happiness and well-being levels they have noticed an interesting phenomenon that is, in spite of the fact that we have more of everything we say we want we are not any happier. For example, in the US, when people were asked in 1940 to score their happiness, the average answer was 7.5 out of 10. Most recently, the average answer is 7.2 out of 10. There are similar scores for the UK, Japan, Australia and other countries.

Try this exercise: take a moment to score how happy you were, on average, from 0 to 10, when you were 7 years old. For example, 7.5 out of 10. Next, score how happy you were when you were 16 years old, 21 years old, 5 years ago, last year, and today. What do your scores tell you about your relationship to happiness? Are you happier today than before? Are you suffering from “static happiness?” And what about the future? How happy do you think you will be in one year’s time? And in five year’s time?

What is the real more that would help you to be happier - starting from now? Think not just about “getting” and “having” and “attracting” and “receiving”; but also about “being” and “giving” and “noticing” and “appreciating.” Give this important question some of your best attention. You have the answer within you right now. As Anna Pasternak highlights in her article: the key to happiness isn’t more stuff; it’s more clarity.

The Real More workshop received rave reviews, and we will definitely be running it again next year. Dates will be announced soon.

The Real More: "The Start of Something Wonderful"

This morning I begin a two-day workshop in London called The Real More. This workshop is billed as “A Series of Meditations on More.” It is an invitation to reflect on what is the real more that we most want in our lives. More specifically, what is the real more we want to be, to know, to experience, to give, and to receive. The first principle we will explore is, when you know what you really want, you stop wanting more of everything else.

I am joined on The Real More workshop by my friends Avril Carson, Ian Lynch, Lizzie Prior, Bron Wilton, Candy Constable, Charlie Shand, and Robert Norton - each of who will help to create an event that is rich in poetry, meditations, music, inquiry, conversations, and exercises. I have a strong sense that this weekend will be the start of something wonderful - opening us all up to new levels of prosperity and joy. The Real More will begin with the following poem, which I wrote especially for this event, entitled “The Start of Something Wonderful.”

It's time to do
nothing.

Start doing
nothing immediately.

Make doing
nothing your work
today.

Do nothing,
and do not even make
it a technique.

This doing nothing is
a divine opportunity.

It interrupts the past.
It changes the future.
And your soul is ready
to act now.

Doing nothing,
in its purest form,
is receptivity.

Your non-action draws to
you extra
possibility.

Doing nothing is the start
of something
wonderful.

It is what an orchestra does
to sound the first note
of a symphony.

It is what each of us must do
if we are let the divine
act through us.

Doing nothing
is holy work.

Out of the nothingness,
a new adventure
begins.

Starting
from
now.

Poem: "Prizes of NOW"

Hello Monday morning!
It's the start of the week. Just another week, or, maybe a brand new week. Our choice, I imagine. Monday mornings are the perfect time to think again about what is success and what is happiness. Ten minutes is enough to clear the mind, to listen to your heart, and to align yourself with what is truly important. But I urge you to do it before the busyness kicks in and before the daily rush takes you away from yourself. Do it now. To support you in your meditation here is a poem I wrote called "Prizes of NOW."


This constant busyness is not really
my life.

The urge to keep moving forward
is not it either.

The daily schedule is mostly a
distraction, truth be told.

If I was to stop, I mean really stop,
I fear I might lose my way. But I
am already lost.

If I was to stop, I mean totally stop,
I fear I might fall apart. But my
life is already in pieces.

If I was stop, stop, stop,
I fear I might die.
And yet, because I will not stop,
I fear I am not really alive.

It’s in the spaces that exist in the
chains of busyness, that
I find myself again.

It’s when I stand still, even for just
a moment, that I win the
prizes of now.

It’s when I am willing not to be too
busy that I really start
to live.